All my life I have felt called to be a servant, even though I never have been able to put it into those specific words or description until recently. When someone would tell me their dreams of making it big, owning a company, or even becoming the first female president (my friend in 3rd grade really did tell me this and my mind was BLOWN!)… my first and only reaction was always “oh I know you will accomplish your dreams and I could totally be your right hand (wo)man to make sure your dreams really do come true!”. I really meant this too, this was my dream, to help others achieve theirs and to celebrate with them when they were successful and while helping them back up when they weren’t. I guess this explains how I ended up graduating with an Elementary Education degree and teaching for 5 years before becoming a mother… two life callings, out of millions, that truly require a servant’s heart (can I get an AMEN and a large glass of wine???).
So today, at 33 years old, where does this leave me? That is exactly the question I am constantly asking God and the Blessed Mother to answer for me! Many evenings I lay in bed, with a glass of wine (a Catholic approved relaxation technique) and an empty spot where my husband should be, trying to figure out if what I am doing is good enough or even what I am supposed to be doing at all! This is where my faith has helped take these uncertainties that used to be a constant stress and turned them into opportunities being presented to me when I am prayerfully looking. This truth becomes more and more certain in times of doubt because that is exactly when those feelings of anxiety and emptiness resurface and I finally surrender and give it back to God, my soul is calmed. Now this is not something perfectly concrete… it’s almost like a constant learning experience… like rolling waves… I am in a doubtful place but as I return my focus to prayer and the willfulness of God, I reach the top of the wave…the wind in my hair, the fresh breeze in my lungs, and the gorgeous surroundings of earth and sea as far as the eye can see! Then wait, just when I thought all my questions were answered I begin to go down, traveling the ebb and flow of the waves…and life.
There are no defined currents or definite paths laid out when you are a servant to our Blessed Lord. When your heart is truly open, as the Blessed Mother’s, there will still be obstacles, heartache, and doubt (look at the joy and sorrow our Blessed Mother endured throughout Her life as Jesus’ mother). I cannot imagine the willingness of Mary as she gave her Fiat to God, proclaiming her openness to let it be done according to His will. We all think, “well duh, if God asked me to carry His baby I totally would, who could say no to God?!?!” We ALL do, that’s who, we all ignore or outright refuse God’s intentions for our lives because they are uncomfortable or don’t go along with our plans we have so neatly put into a “25 year goals” spreadsheet. The more uncertain the task, the more you must trust God, and that is exactly what He wants from us.
So, all of these ramblings lead me to documenting my goals I have today, tomorrow, and until God decides to give me a more descriptive, concrete answer… I want to be a cheerful giver. I want to not only do for others what God desires but to do it joyfully and whole heartily. This task isn’t too hard for me except in terms of being a mother. This is the calling in life I most struggle with… so I am praying (and as usual begging) for God to give me the qualities of the Blessed Mother that I so much desire and admire. I need Mary’s virtues of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control because I know my children are watching and the best way to teach is by example.
What are your goals for 2018 and how much of God’s trust do they require of you?