Most anyone who knows me would agree when I say it doesn’t take long to get to know the “real” me. I don’t hold much back, you can always tell what I’m feeling, and when I am passionate about something I go all in! I have not been blogging long but the main reason I began was to let other people know they are not alone. I am sure someone, somewhere has shared experiences or feelings and that is the reason I write what is on my heart, even when it’s not always comfortable or a glowing representation of myself. I do this because I feel God has called me to witness and evangelize in this way… sharing my life stories to hopefully help someone out there not feel so alone. So, on that note I am posting something I wrote almost a year ago in my journal, 4.24.17 to be exact, when I was in a place of hopelessness and loneliness. Reading this again, at the place I am in my life, makes my heart hurt but also rejoice because I am back in the light and how wonderful to be reminded that no matter how dark your surroundings are, there is promise of light, and for me that light has always been my faith. Without my faith, I am not sure if I would have even had the driving force to keep doing my best when it felt so pointless. I hope this story will let someone out there know that the light will radiate again… and no matter how dark it seems, with God’s guidance you will find it. Without further ado… here is a glimpse into how my soul ached for God’s guidance last year when our family was apart for over 6 months and the responsibility became overwhelming.
“My love tank is completely empty. I have nothing left to give. My mind, body, and soul are alone and tired.
I give so much to my children and try to give them more than I even have to make up for Christopher’s absence. It is a constant whirlwind of feeding, washing, cleaning, loving, disciplining, playing, driving, and on and on and on. And just like any other children, they don’t give much back. So, it is a constant outpouring of myself with no one filling me back up.
I give so much to my husband, who normally gives back but the past almost year I have not felt appreciated or gratified because of his constant absence. I take care of our children, home, keep everything tidy and the house running, keep the children involved, healthy and feeling loved. I make sure he feels loved with texts, calls, staying up late waiting for him to call when he has a 5-minute window to talk, packages that never get picked up and are sent back, and constant praise so he knows how much I appreciate him and how proud we are of his accomplishments.
But I get nothing back… and in order to continue to love, you need to be filled with love yourself.
I know that God has provided me with an amazing life but I still feel lost. Who am I, what is my purpose, and why am I not more thankful? I want to be a cheerful giver and life isn’t about me and my needs… it is supposed to be about helping others but I feel my heart is sad and lonely and I just can’t get it right.”
2017 was such an emotionally draining year, even though we had many wonderful things happen to our family, it also brought so much pressure and stress. But after my Christopher finally graduated from the United States Air Force Weapons School (distinguished graduate I might add) and finally was able to come home (even though he was gone many weeks here and there it was better than not having him for 6 months) the real challenge had only begun! Reintegrating after such a vigorous course was hard for both Christopher and me but I’m telling you, we are a million times stronger because of it. It truly was our faith and love for one another that carried us through those difficult times as we worked through figuring out what life looked like for us again and reconnecting our souls and minds. This is not a story to make anyone pity me or pass judgement, I just feel this experience was not a part of our lives for nothing, it was to bring Christopher and I closer and to maybe help someone else going through something difficult to know God has a plan. So keep getting out of bed every morning even if you don’t think it’s worth it, keep praying even if you feel your prayers aren’t being heard, and God will lead you on the path you were meant to take… and remember He did not give us the world so to please our every want and desire but He gave the world US, to help others and show kindness and love.
“It is better to suffer for doing good, if that be the will of God, than for doing evil.” 1 Peter 3:15-18